Fuck Sea Kitties, Love the Baby Otters

Gchatz

In reference to this post:

Brown Male #1: thanks for not putting a true picture of me up

me: yeah well
I tried to find a fake picture of Brown Male #2
but when I googled nerdy indian guy

Brown Male #1: but its not possible

me: none of them were nerdy enough

*yes, I am the editor AND the writer. I AM GOD!

Some things about my new job

You're supposed to get meaner when you go from the Midwest to the East Coast. But as usual, things don't work the way they're supposed to with me. I like my new job, I really do. But everybody has this overwhelming need to be nice. It drives me nuts. Every email is written in the gentlest way possible, and sometimes I want to strangle everyone and say "you realize this is MY JOB??? You don't have to ASK me to do what I'm supposed to do! You don't have to fucking pat me on the back for stapling shit." At first, I was like "oh everyone is so optimistic and gentle here" until I realized that everyone expects me to be like them. As in Nice.

I am the girl who got an email back from someone saying "you are a really unhappy person and your life must be miserable" when I sent an email merely admonishing people, in my witty sarcastic style, that instructions to get off the College Feminists listserv were on the "school's fucking website." I am also the girl who has made almost all her ex-boyfriends* cry. I am not, by any means, nice.

But I like my job so I play along. Especially when I heard a few co-workers gossip about the only manager who writes unfluffy to-the-point emails and call her "mean" and "scary." I mean, if a manager can't be an asshole, then who am I to? And then one of the coordinators made me rewrite an email to IT because "there's a human on the receiving end." Dude, seriously? Alas, I have little patience, so I experimented with ways that would allow me to write emails that quickly get to the point but can still qualify as Nice. First I tried adding exclamation marks the to every sentence, with the occasional smiley, but that started getting ridiculous:

Hi Jan!

Attached is an Excel sheet to assist you with your report.! I really need that report by the end of the day!! I've pushed back the deadline twice! Please call me to talk about this!!!
Thanks!!

Kzizzle!
P.S.! Sorry to hear about the divorce!! :)

So now, I've resorted to writing normal emails like my normal self (which I realize is below-average in niceness, but fuck it) and then I just end it with "Thanks!!!" The three exclamations are essential.

*ooo not the ones youuuu knowww

My Bro, Budding Feminist

Today my brother asked out a girl the first time. And he called me for advice!
Guess what, he's playyaa - he asked a girl in the EIGHTH GRADE and he's totally in seventh. That's basically like someone in elementary school asking a girl out in high school. We Singhs, we jus' roll like dat.

My first question was, "Is she pretty?" and then I cringed inside thinking I should not be teaching him that beauty is the most relevant characteristic in a girl he likes. And he followed up with yeah, and "she's really really smart too." I have taught him well.

Now if she really is smart, she'll say yes. Cuz I be ready to smack a ho, middle school or not.

Why I am Deluded

Because I thought if I moved to an entirely new city, I could somehow escape the nonsense that is my life. But hello, moving to a new city means finding roomates through craigslist, which inevitably leads to wtf moments. Anyways, count of places I've lived since graduation: 9