Fuck Sea Kitties, Love the Baby Otters

Gchatz

In reference to this post:

Brown Male #1: thanks for not putting a true picture of me up

me: yeah well
I tried to find a fake picture of Brown Male #2
but when I googled nerdy indian guy

Brown Male #1: but its not possible

me: none of them were nerdy enough

*yes, I am the editor AND the writer. I AM GOD!

Some things about my new job

You're supposed to get meaner when you go from the Midwest to the East Coast. But as usual, things don't work the way they're supposed to with me. I like my new job, I really do. But everybody has this overwhelming need to be nice. It drives me nuts. Every email is written in the gentlest way possible, and sometimes I want to strangle everyone and say "you realize this is MY JOB??? You don't have to ASK me to do what I'm supposed to do! You don't have to fucking pat me on the back for stapling shit." At first, I was like "oh everyone is so optimistic and gentle here" until I realized that everyone expects me to be like them. As in Nice.

I am the girl who got an email back from someone saying "you are a really unhappy person and your life must be miserable" when I sent an email merely admonishing people, in my witty sarcastic style, that instructions to get off the College Feminists listserv were on the "school's fucking website." I am also the girl who has made almost all her ex-boyfriends* cry. I am not, by any means, nice.

But I like my job so I play along. Especially when I heard a few co-workers gossip about the only manager who writes unfluffy to-the-point emails and call her "mean" and "scary." I mean, if a manager can't be an asshole, then who am I to? And then one of the coordinators made me rewrite an email to IT because "there's a human on the receiving end." Dude, seriously? Alas, I have little patience, so I experimented with ways that would allow me to write emails that quickly get to the point but can still qualify as Nice. First I tried adding exclamation marks the to every sentence, with the occasional smiley, but that started getting ridiculous:

Hi Jan!

Attached is an Excel sheet to assist you with your report.! I really need that report by the end of the day!! I've pushed back the deadline twice! Please call me to talk about this!!!
Thanks!!

Kzizzle!
P.S.! Sorry to hear about the divorce!! :)

So now, I've resorted to writing normal emails like my normal self (which I realize is below-average in niceness, but fuck it) and then I just end it with "Thanks!!!" The three exclamations are essential.

*ooo not the ones youuuu knowww

My Bro, Budding Feminist

Today my brother asked out a girl the first time. And he called me for advice!
Guess what, he's playyaa - he asked a girl in the EIGHTH GRADE and he's totally in seventh. That's basically like someone in elementary school asking a girl out in high school. We Singhs, we jus' roll like dat.

My first question was, "Is she pretty?" and then I cringed inside thinking I should not be teaching him that beauty is the most relevant characteristic in a girl he likes. And he followed up with yeah, and "she's really really smart too." I have taught him well.

Now if she really is smart, she'll say yes. Cuz I be ready to smack a ho, middle school or not.

Why I am Deluded

Because I thought if I moved to an entirely new city, I could somehow escape the nonsense that is my life. But hello, moving to a new city means finding roomates through craigslist, which inevitably leads to wtf moments. Anyways, count of places I've lived since graduation: 9

How Not to Move Out of a Large US City that Contains the Sears Tower & Several Other Important Buildings

• Do Not get 24-hour access to store your belongings at the downtown Chicago office building of the job you just quit.
  

• Do Not surreptitiously get 24-hour access to the building from the admin* that the Executive Director cannot stand.
  

• Do Not wait until 1am the day of your flight to your new home (Washington, DC) to move your boxes into said building.

• Perhaps rethink your decision to take your two male brown friends (one who looks like this** and one who looks like this . Clearly the second one is an undercover hacker.) to a building in downtown Chicago, near the Sears Tower, at 1 in the morning.

• Perhaps rethink your decision to use your ID card that clearly states what time you were in the building with shady looking friends.

• DO think before propping the door open lest it set off a pesky alarm.

• DO prevent brown male #2 with you from trying to hack the computer system to turn the alarm off.

• DO keep #2 out of the eye of the camera right ABOVE the computer system that is unsuccessful at turning the alarm off (but successful at flashing your picture from your supposed-to-be-deactivated ID badge).

• Perhaps rethink your decision to leave three unmarked boxes into said building at 1 am, after setting the alarm off.

• Definitely have a shady looking hairy Sikh girl in a getaway car nearby.

• Also, remember to hide your one-way ticket to DC when the police come to question you.

• and last one: PRAY with all your might that NOTHING disastrous happens in downtown Chicago the next day.

*curiously, she was fired shortly afterwards
**okay so his beard isn't as big.

Censorship

From unnamed blog at 12:45 AM:

Kamdizzle said...

FAIL.

Same blog, ten minutes later:

Kamdizzle said...

This post has been removed by a blog administrator.

I'M BACK with power power

JUST TO SPITE ASHU.

The End

The Working Girl is retiring! This blog, that is. This is because the most interesting thing that has happened to me at my new job is today on my way walking to work the garbage man hit on me.* Really, garbage man? Really? Yeah, I know you're sitting up high and driving some big-ass wheels, but really?

So, in conclusion, for the last month my life has been relatively normal and sane and drama-free. And in a knock-on-wood superstition, I'm retiring this blog with hopes that it will stay that way.

*He said "Whass Up Girl." No, he was not black. You racist fuck.

Day 0

Tomorrow is my first day of work at a REAL job that isn't paid by a government stipend that is in reality, below minimum wage. Let's hope it turns out like my first day at last non-job, where my boss kindly gave me a tour of the office and then showed me the bathroom, where she proceeded to give me "training" whilst shitting*. Yes. Let's hope.

*disclaimer: my boss was awesome. Who shits while they talk? Only fucking cool people**, hell yeah.
**I'm obviously not cool enough to pull this off***.
***Just had to make that clear.